


But What If He Lived

by Thatonepersonyeah



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Everybody Lives, Friends to Lovers, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Tree Bros, trans connor murphy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-30 19:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10883547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatonepersonyeah/pseuds/Thatonepersonyeah
Summary: My friend and I decided that the world needed a better story for these twoAuthor Edit/Disclaimer: My friend and I are no longer super invested in this fandom so this is most likely going to remain unfinished but feel free to enjoy what we have so far :)





	1. Chapter One

Evan had never quite really managed to navigate the stuffy halls of his school. He was constantly running into people and apologizing profusely.The fact of the matter was that he just watched his feet and didn’t pay much attention to his surroundings. Old anxiety fueled habits die hard. Today, the subject of his clumsiness was tall lanky boy...no, girl? Well... he wasn’t really sure. The point was that Evan Hansen, a massive klutz, was laying on someone’s chest. A chest that, while comfortable, smelt very strongly of weed. And also, he shouldn’t have fallen into this person. Fuck.

“Can you stop... um, laying on me, Hansen?” The person’s voice was soft, but it had a deep undertone of raspiness that gave the impression of danger. Or it was probably just caused by the fact that Evan was still laying on them. (Or the weed smoking, but sure, Evan, whatever.)

 

“I-I’m so sorry,” Evan was stuttering and talking way too fast. “I wasn’t watching where I was- Wait how do you know me? Who are you?”

The person just smirked as they stood and walked away. Evan couldn’t help but stare at the best thing that had happened to him all day. “Holy shit.” was the only coherent thought in Evan’s mind. Other than the voice whispering that he wanted to know that person better.

****************************************************************************************************************************  
“CONNOR! Are you home?” Zoe yelled from the end of the hallway, “and sober?" She added moodily. She had a shitty day and Connor had texted her something really cryptic, so she obviously had to check on him… Like she always did.

She stomped upstairs to notice the door to his room was cracked slightly open, and his light was on. Zoe moved quickly, she couldn’t stay long -she had practice in an hour and she still needed to get ready.

“Connor?” Zoe called as she opened the door. The sight she saw before her was one she would never forget, not until the day she died. Connor lay limp in his bed, loosely holding a kitchen knife “CONNOR! WHAT DID YOU DO?” there was so much blood that it was pooling on the ground from his sheets. A half burnt joint lay next to him, poorly snuffed out. His wrists were slashed ragged and still bleeding heavily. He still looked pretty stoned from the way his pupils were blown wide and, despite all the blood, his normal goofy grin was plastered on his face. It made the whole scene in front of her more gruesome than before.

“Zoe,” Connor rasped as he struggled to push her away, smearing blood across her shirt and revealing a empty bottle of pills lying under him. “Go away.” The bottle of pills had been full this morning, Zoe had a vague memory of grabbing one of the pills before breakfast for a headache she had woken up with.

The the sudden realization that she needed to call 911 hit Zoe like a brick. “Connor, it’s gonna be okay. You are going to be fine.” Her voice shook as her hands did as she tried to dial the number, blood smearing her screen and her face once she finally dialed.

The call was short, but the minutes afterwards seemed to last a lifetime. Connor was so angry with her, deliriously asking her to ‘just let him go’. She was hysteric, holding a crumpled shirt to his arms, desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

When the paramedics got there, she was forced to leave. Leave as they carted her brother away. This could be the last time she ever saw him alive... She tried to scream for him, but her body had gone numb with shock and fear. Vaguely she wondered how she was going to tell her parents.

****************************************************************************************************************************  
Evan had been trying for weeks now to find the tall, cute stranger that had recognized him. So far there had been little to no results, the only finding was that he now knew the kid’s name was Connor (thanks for once, Jared). After some more research, it turned out they were in the same year as Evan, and apparently had the same language class as him. As Evan trudged through the halls, he ran directly into a younger girl that looked vaguely like Connor. Similar nose, same out of control hair, only hers smelled like vanilla rather than two day old pot.

“Oh god,” Evan squeaked. He grabbed her arms to try to keep them both upright, and pushed away slightly so if they did fall he wouldn’t end up laying on top of her. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s totally fine,” she tried to smile at him, but it looked forced, almost like a grimace.

“Do you know Connor Murphy?” (Really, Evan? Way to make a good impression on this complete stranger.) She broke away from his light grip still on her arms, muttering a short response, only to be swallowed by the expansive crowd surrounding them. So, there goes his possible lead on the cute stranger. Evan can also add another person to the list of people that think he’s more off balance than usual. Dammit.

“Hey, Hansen!” Jared, Evan’s only decent friend in the school, yelled. He was right next to him, so there was really no reason for him to scream, but he did anyways.

“Hi, Jared,” it came out as more of an exasperated sigh than a greeting, but Jared didn’t really notice. He was too busy shoving a newspaper article in Evan’s face. Something about a new video game that he wanted to get or something? Evan tried to be happy for his friend, but between the four-week fruitless search for Connor and with fresh anxiety from running into someone, it was hard. Thankfully the bell rang and they could go their separate ways. Maybe Monday Connor would be back.  
****************************************************************************************************************************  
Evan had not gone outside to climb a tree to jump out of, but once he was as high as he could get, all he could think about was letting go and falling to (what he hoped would be) his death. He didn’t really see a reason not to in all honesty. He didn’t really have friends, his mom wasn’t around much, and, well, the note was written and tucked safely in the same pocket it had been in for about a year now and... nothing had changed. That is how he ended up in the emergency room with a broken arm, and a referral to a therapy group for teens that were suicidal and/or depressed. Not that his mom needed to know that. The nurse found the note, but because he wasn’t physically self harming or “actively suicidal” he convinced her not to tell his mom. He still promised he would go to a meeting or two to ease her conscience. The meetings were after school at 3:00 on any given day. So this was the life of Evan Hansen, a broken arm and a crappy plain white cast that was as uncomfortable as a wet sock.

Monday after school Evan dragged himself to the group for the first time, careful to sit next to a friendly-looking small girl wearing an oversized sweater. Evan hoped that nobody (out of the few people he did know) knew where he was.

“Hi kids! Let’s start out with introductions! Name, age, and why you’re here. If you don’t mind!” The counselor was young, peppy, and sounded like she was contractually obligated to yell like a cheerleader at a basketball game.

Three freshmen, a sophomore, and a dropout went before Evan. He didn’t really pay attention to what they were saying, as he was still trying to think of what to say without embarrassing himself.

“Um… Hi, I’m Evan Hansen, a senior. I’m here b-because I tried to kill myself,” he was trying to be blunt so he had to speak less, but also because only one of the kids before him had mentioned anything even vaguely having to do with suicide/attempted suicide.

 

A few more kids went past. Evan didn’t pay attention to names or faces, attempting to calm down by fidgeting and staring at his shoes. Evan glanced up slightly as a familiar voice started speaking ”Um. Hey,” and to Evan’s shock, before him was Connor, his arms noticeably covered in thick bandages. “I’m Connor Murphy. I’m here because my sister forced me to come after I slit my wrists and downed a bottle of pain pills. I’m apparently bipolar and have severe depression, if that wasn’t obvious from the fact I tried to kill myself.” Connor sat down, looking amused about the amount of shock on Evan’s face. “Hey there Hansen, didn’t think I’d see you here.” Connor flashed him a grin. Evan will never admit that that stupid grin made him blush to his ears, but it did.


	2. Chapter 2

Connor never really thought much about his sexuality. Mainly because of the whole “Gender Crisis of 2012”, at least that’s how he referred to it. Basically, before that year he was totally fine, well... not horrified, with being called his dead-name and by she/her pronouns, but as he got older and learned more he realized that 1) he was definitely genderfluid and 2) he/him and Connor were what he was now responding to now, nothing else, except for they/them sometimes. The point being he had to tell his family, which was grand! Not. His sister kinda shut down and didn’t talk to him for a month, Larry (his dad) said; “I’ve always wanted a son, but you’ll still always be my daughter.” That one sentence felt like a stab to the heart. His mother took it okay, just smiled blankly and switched over, but she definitely struggled at first. Zoe did eventually warm back up to him, but she was much more distant now. His dad wouldn’t even speak directly to him unless goaded by his wife, but Connor just liked to think about the positive fact that he didn’t have to come out to any friends… because he didn’t have any.

But sexuality hadn’t really been a topic of his thoughts. That was, until the cute boy in his language class ran into him in the hallway, and layed on his chest for like a lifetime (and a half). That was when Connor had the realization that he was very much bisexual and that Evan Hansen needed to be very, very close to him again, because damn. So then, the last little shreds of his mental stability jumped overboard. He knew that coming out again was not happening because it barely went well last time. So Connor did what he always did when his mental stability got fucked to hell, get higher than the empire state. What he tried to do after that was… one of the worst things he’d ever done. He never thought Zoe would be so distraught by him almost dying, but she was. Which is how Connor Murphy ended up in a therapy group and tried to stop doing drugs.

Connor was, at first, just going to make his sister happy, but when in strolled the heart attack on legs that was Evan hansen, he decided that staying was a much of an interesting decision than blowing this whole thing off and getting high in the alley outside. He almost regretted everything when the overly peppy counselor started talking, but when Evan got up and started talking about how he tried to kill himself, Connor made the final decision that staying was obligatory now. Why was he so interested in this practical stranger? Well, he couldn’t really say (he was cute), but what he could say was the amount of pure unadulterated shock on his face from when Connor spoke his piece was actually quite entertaining. So of course he couldn’t help himself when he looked directly at Evan and said hello, and so what if the blush that rose on Evan’s freckled cheeks made him happy knowing he caused it? Evan was probably straight, so it didn’t matter, right?

**********************************************************************************************************************  
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Was really the only thing Evan’s brain could really think, because cute boy staring at him! That was definitely a first, and now said cute boy was walking towards him? This was not an ordinary event in his life.

“So Hansen?” Connor was probably a little close, but then again, they were in a smallish room with other people so maybe not? “What’s with the blank cast?” Connor looked genuinely curious, one eyebrow arched up over his hazel eyes. The question wasn’t actually a heavy one, but boy oh boy did Evan’s anxiety launch into outer space.

“I, umm… fell, out of a tree.” Evan stuttered and coughed his way through that sentence. Maybe Connor didn’t notice.

“Mmmm,” Connor just made an uncommitted noise as his frown deepened. “You fell, sure.” Well looks like it is time to go. Evan was not doing this no, no. Definitely not.

“I gotta-” Evan turned to go but Connor’s hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Hey man, I won’t ask if you don’t either, okay?” Connor looked serious, so Evan nodded, not really trusting his voice to be steady. They walked out of the building together, Connor talking mostly and Evan nodding along and occasionally adding an opinion or two. Then suddenly Connor asked him a question only Connor would ask. “Wanna go get high in a field?”

“WhAt?” Evan’s voice cracked like a fissure in the ground. He was... startled to say the very least. But also very curious. “I, I mean. No I mean what?!”

“Well you seem anxious and I’ve found weed helps. A lot,” Connor was smirking again, and to be honest if it meant Connor would smirk like that Evan just might consider doing just about anything. “Why don’t you come with. You can chill with me, make sure I don’t do something stupid again. And if you decide you want a hit cool, if not, well that's cool too.” Connor was walking away as he said this, not really waiting for an answer. Evan had to run to catch up. He wasn’t going to do any drugs, but he wasn’t passing up a chance for possibly the only cute person to look at him more than once.

*************************************************************************************************************************  
Connor didn’t actually think Evan would take him up on his offer, of either the drugs or hanging out. But surprises come in all shapes and sizes, even Evan Hansen shaped ones. So there they were, sitting in Connor’s favorite field, Connor high as a kite and Evan looking cuter than what should be legal. Too bad he’s probably straight… oh well a boy can dream can’t he?

“Okay,” Evan spoke evenly (for probably the first time since he was a kid). “I want a hit.”

“Oooo, Mr. Bad Boy over here,” Connor giggled as he pulled a dandelion out of his hair. He turned to face Evan better, letting the puff of smoke he’d been holding in his lungs go and watching is float to the sky. “Are you sure, I don’t wanna pressure you or something,” raising a finger to the air half heartedly, he yelled, “No nonconsensual corruption on my watch!”

“I’m sure.” Evan seemed pretty curious, so explanations about effects and what not were needed, and Connor was more than prepared to provide.

“Okayyyy, but you should know two things first,” Connor’s voice was slow and decently smooth. “Weed is heavy, you’re gonna cough, so like please tell me you don’t have asthma or something. And your voice is gonna get really fucking deep if you smoke a lot, cause like it’s heavy on your lungs ‘n shit.”  
“Okay, no breathing issues… pass it over,” Connor laughed and handed Evan back his dandelion. “Coooonnnnnoooorrrrr.” Wow, was he really that high, or was Evan whining his name kinda cute (probably both). He carefully handed the blunt to Evan after a quick demonstration on how to take a hit properly. Evan squinted his eyes nervously as he made eye contact with Connor’s heavy lidded and bloodshot ones, and quickly put it in his mouth before he could back out. Evan coughed and sputtered before almost throwing it back, looking about three times as shocked as he was when they were in group. 

“WHAT THE HELL CONNOR?!” Evan yelled, gesturing wildly. Connor just giggled (again), collapsed backwards onto the ground and took another hit.

“What? I told you it was heavy?” Connor spoke while letting out his puff of smoke, still giggling like a small child. Wow was this good shit.

“Not like THAT! How the HELL do you smoke this shit regularly?” Connor just smirked instead of giving any sort of coherent answer. “Seriously Connor how the fuck?”

“I’ll tell you a secret, some people say it’s easier to shotgun.” That thought sent Connor into another massive fit of hysteric giggles. Evan couldn’t help but notice how his nose wrinkled as he laughed, and the way he covered his mouth with his hand to stifle it. Evan’s breath hitched in his throat, but he wasn’t sure if it was from adoration or the coughing fit from earlier. Evan has no idea what Connor was talking about, but was just gonna write it off as the drugs.

“So why’d no one sign your cast?” Connor smushed the remains of what he was smoking into the dirt. “That’s what I was asking earlier.”

“I- I dunno?” Evan rubbed at his cast self consciously, the rough fabric mixed with plaster scratching roughly against his hand.

“Got a pen?” Connor gestured limply towards Evan, kind of like he was reaching for his pocket then decided that it required too much effort.

“A pen?” Evan was beyond confused. Was he high?

“A pen, ya know to sign your cast?” Connor sat up and scooted closer to Evan. Wow, was he cute. Not the point Evan. Focus, give Connor the pen. Evan’s hand seemed to be moving at half speed, and it probably was but Connor was probably too high to notice or care. Hopefully. As he handed him the pen their fingers brushed, Evan’s hands were shaking and probably grossly sweaty. He wanted to drop the pen and wipe his hands on his jeans, but obviously he couldn’t because, well, Connor was staring at him and was very close. Their hands were still touching slightly, Connor’s nail polish (where it wasn’t chipped) was slick under Evan’s fingers, and Evan didn’t really want to stop touching Connor’s hand. Slowly Connor pulled his hand away, grinning playfully. Evan felt his face heat up and he looked away.

“Evan, are you getting sunburnt? Should we find some shade?” Connor leaned in even closer to Evan inspect his face. His breath was ghosting across Evan’s freckled nose.

“I-I-I-I’m f-fine, r-really,” Evan couldn’t have stuttered more if he was being forced to speak in front of a thousand people

“If you say so,” Connor didn’t look fully convinced, but was easily distracted by the task of signing Evan’s cast. Big swooping letters followed by a little squiggly line, probably because he forgot what he was doing half way though, but it was cute.

“So,” Evan scooted back a bit just so they weren’t that close and so he could see the other boy a bit better. “How are you gonna get back home? You probably can’t even walk right now.”

“Well I’m gonna lay here until I can walk Hansen,” Connor laughed while he talked, not really looking directly at Evan. “Then I’m going to walk home, obviously.”  
*******************************************************************************************************************  
So smoking pot with Evan was not a bad idea, and Connor kind of wanted to do it again. Now that he was clear headed enough to think clearly, all that was running through his head was the blush that covered Evan’s face when their fingers brushed. Maybe Evan wasn’t as straight as Connor assumed he was. This could be fun. In a sort of experiment, Connor walked very close to Evan, brushing their shoulders together.

“I’m glad I decided to walk you home,” Evan put his hand around Connor’s back, pulling him closer, mistaking his shoulder brush for a stumble. Now it was Connor’s turn to blush. “You can’t even walk straight.”

Connor laughed nervously and stepped away a bit. The pair had come to his house. Far too soon if Connor was honest. But that’s how his life worked. Never able to get “too much” of a good thing.

“Is this your house?” Evan gestured widely and looked down slightly, almost as if he was upset.

“Yeah, looks like I’m in time for dinner,” Connor looked at his phone briefly, the light illuminating his face.

“Number,” Evan blurted the word out like it was on fire in his mouth. “We should keep in touch I mean…”

“Sounds good to me,” Connor smiled and handed him his phone. Evan blushed slightly as he put in his details.His name was saved as ‘Hansen with a leaf emoji’ Connor smiled slightly at seeing that. Evan handed his phone to Connor who saved his name as ‘Connor with a cigarette emoji’ because... of course he did. Their hands brushed again as they traded phones back, and Evan seemed to be moving slower than usual. Connor glanced up and caught Evan’s soft blue eyes, and suddenly everything seemed to fade for a second- but when Evan looked away, the air lost its charge and they stepped back. “Well-l see you later Connor,” Evan spoke as he turned away walking back the way they had came, the low sun leaving his as barely a shadow. “Stay safe Hansen!” Connor had called as he walked towards his house, his voice was still slow. “So our kid has decided to come back?” Larry called towards Connor but was speaking to his mother, who looked mildly relieved to see him but she was really the only one. Zoe hadn’t even really looked up, guess her brief moment of caring was over and she was back to treating him like a stranger, nothing changed all that much. “Yes he has, and will be eating in his room tonight,” Connor grabbed a bag of chips from the kitchen and a soda then walked up stairs. Same old shit, different day. His mom was walking up the stairs behind him, a plate covered in saran wrap in her hands. “Connor,” Cynthia called softly, holding the plate towards him. “I tried to keep your dinner warm for you. I know you’re not fond of my cooking, but I want you to eat healthily.” Connor took the plate smiling softly, she tried so hard for him. “Thanks mom,” he turned without saying anything else and went to his room. His mom seemed to be the only person in that house that looked out for him constantly. Zoe did sometimes, but that felt like more out of guilt than anything. Once in his room Connor picked at his food but most of his meal was the chips he grabbed and his pop. He fiddled with his phone for a bit, debating on whether or not he wanted to text Evan or not. Eventually he decided that he wanted to be decently high before making any decision. Double checking that his door was closed, he rummaged through his side drawer looking for the half a blunt he left there the night before. He took a few hits before pulling his phone out again, trying to think of a topic of conversation. All his muddled brain could come up with was that Evan liked trees, and had feelings. Do trees have feelings? Shit better ask him. Hey Hansen, do you think trees have feelings Ummm… i suppose. Are you high? Possibly But like do they feel, like feel or do they just feel???? I think they can like. Feel pain and physical stuff but not, um, emotions Also I’m at dinner I shouldn’t really be texting Whoa, that’s wild man. Okay dude, I’ll letcha get back to the food stuffs *********************************************************************************************************************** Evan didn’t know what he was expecting when he got a text message during dinner but it was definitely not Connor asking about trees and feelings. In Connor’s defense, it was a good question. Also he was clearly high (again). In all seriousness the look Heidi gave him when his phone went off was comical, because his phone hardly goes off, and if it does he doesn’t smile and answer it. To say that she pestered him was an understatement, but she did eventually let the subject drop. “Well Mom, it was great eating dinner with you, thank you,” Evan loved when his mom was around but with her working so much it didn’t happen often. The one time they saw each other with a constant frequency was every third Monday of the month, for dinner. Then it’s back to their chaotic lives of school, work, and for Evan now this therapy group. Well, for now, going back wasn’t a top priority but seeing Connor was. He never had any real friends other than Jared, so it was nice to have Connor. Connor is really nice to him, fun to be around and cu- cool. Not cute, girls were cute and Evan wasn’t gay… probably… the point being he liked being around Connor. Hopefully Connor liked being around him. “No problem kiddo! How’s your arm?” Heidi was clearing the table so she didn’t see the look of guilt pass across Evan’s face when she asked that. “It’s been… better,” Evan didn’t really want to talk about his arm, because that might mean his mom might notice Connor’s name scrawled across it. He really wasn’t sure how she didn’t notice it yet. He shuffled his feet waiting a second before leaving the kitchen to go to his room. The odd thought of texting Connor again crossed his mind but he decided against it and did his homework instead


End file.
